I've been breaking everything recently.
I've broken records, promises, relationships, myself and you.
You were always there when I fell and helped me up without question. You were there to provide a soft spot during hard times. You loved me despite my flaws. You loved me for my flaws.
I, on the other hand, have done nothing for you. I've only caused you pain and despite that you hide it to spare me. I must be crazy for letting us go.
I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed or who you deserve. It hurts so much to hear that all you wanted was to feel loved and I didn't instill that confidence.
Now and in the future I want to be someone you can trust and lean on. But unfortunately my promises don't mean very much anymore. I still want to be there for you and become someone who you could trust. But I'm afraid it isn't about what I want anymore but what you need. And you don't need me.
So yesterday, today, tomorrow and many tomorrows to come I can only say I'm sorry. Until the day that I can be a better person and have the confidence again to be someone who can love will I come back.
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Day 339
Today marks the second snow fall of this winter. I spent the first one alone but I wished I was with someone. I chose to be alone for the second.
I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.
I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.
The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.
I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.
I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.
The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 315
Today was a good day... well technically yesterday was a good day. I've been toughing it out this week emotionally and it was a refreshing change to have a pick me up. I had an eventful lunch with new and old friends. Hilarious conversations and awkward moments abound. I love it when it gets awkward. Strange I know.
The thing that made my day though was that someone gave me their number. It was very flattering but I tend to think guys that give their numbers out to girls are players. Anyhow, I'm recording this because I want to recall it in the future when I'm old and grey.
He was a cute guy in his mid-twenties with good hair. Obviously I checked him out being the hot blooded woman that I am. (I know... so bad -__-) Then I noticed the writing on his shirt and read it out loud. It said, "Call me when you're drunk," and I laughed...(Some might call it a giggle.) He gave me a shy thumbs up and smiled sheepishly. Being the witty person that I am (ha!) I said, "But we don't know your number." I was pleased when he chuckled and then he went back to his seat. When he left I noticed him and we happened to make eye contact. Being oh so polite I smiled and waved while he gave me the standard nod. (No, I wasn't being creepy, I just happened to be seated at the entrance so it was only natural for me to notice. He was tall and therefore stood out okay!) But to my pleasant surprise after two minutes he came back in the restaurant and handed me his recite with his number written on the back. Smiled and left. Amidst the stunned company I was keeping I stammered a thank you.
For one reason or another this encounter lifted my spirits and made me smile. So thank you kind stranger whom I might never call. :) I don't think you said a word to me but you made my day.
The thing that made my day though was that someone gave me their number. It was very flattering but I tend to think guys that give their numbers out to girls are players. Anyhow, I'm recording this because I want to recall it in the future when I'm old and grey.
He was a cute guy in his mid-twenties with good hair. Obviously I checked him out being the hot blooded woman that I am. (I know... so bad -__-) Then I noticed the writing on his shirt and read it out loud. It said, "Call me when you're drunk," and I laughed...(Some might call it a giggle.) He gave me a shy thumbs up and smiled sheepishly. Being the witty person that I am (ha!) I said, "But we don't know your number." I was pleased when he chuckled and then he went back to his seat. When he left I noticed him and we happened to make eye contact. Being oh so polite I smiled and waved while he gave me the standard nod. (No, I wasn't being creepy, I just happened to be seated at the entrance so it was only natural for me to notice. He was tall and therefore stood out okay!) But to my pleasant surprise after two minutes he came back in the restaurant and handed me his recite with his number written on the back. Smiled and left. Amidst the stunned company I was keeping I stammered a thank you.
For one reason or another this encounter lifted my spirits and made me smile. So thank you kind stranger whom I might never call. :) I don't think you said a word to me but you made my day.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 311
Whenever someone says to you that they're not trying to make you feel guilty... they often do anyways. Even though it wasn't their intention you already brace yourself for it and so in the end you feel the guilt.
You're giving me the ultimatum. I thought you said that I was making progress, you even acknowledged it. I thought we both knew that we needed time. It has only been a week. I don't understand.
It is very selfish of me to hold on and make you hold on. I should let you go shouldn't I. But do I let you go if I thought we stood a chance? The thing that breaks my heart is that you don't think we could anymore based on me. You know me better than myself and if you read me this way, maybe you're right.
I'm scared. I have to make a choice again. This time, it will change our lives and I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.
You're leaving the crossroad now aren't you? It is my turn to wait now.
God help me.
You're giving me the ultimatum. I thought you said that I was making progress, you even acknowledged it. I thought we both knew that we needed time. It has only been a week. I don't understand.
It is very selfish of me to hold on and make you hold on. I should let you go shouldn't I. But do I let you go if I thought we stood a chance? The thing that breaks my heart is that you don't think we could anymore based on me. You know me better than myself and if you read me this way, maybe you're right.
I'm scared. I have to make a choice again. This time, it will change our lives and I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.
You're leaving the crossroad now aren't you? It is my turn to wait now.
God help me.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Day 255
I wrote this around four years ago and now that I've been given back this new batch of letters, they speak to me as if it were written to be read at this moment.
It is called "The Boy and the Girl."
Once upon a time, a boy and a girl fell in love and were too lazy to get back up, so they sat and watched a sunset. They waited till the sun gave way to the stars.They sat and sat, happy as could be, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.
They were content and thought that everything was as it should be, but a dark and forbidding cloud loomed ahead. There was no use to deny for they both knew this could not last forever. One day they had to part. There will be many trials and hardship along the way of four long years.
Nothing would be said with certainty and nothing could be done to prevent the unseen. There will be many maybes, perhaps, and perchances. There will be doubts about the ffuture. Questions would arise without answers, answers will come without assurance, and assurance would come, but without reason. There will be may unknowns, mysteries and untrodden bends in the road.
Sincere promises are made, but both wonder and fear. But a promise is a vow. A vow is a commitment. A commitment must have an agreement. If they boy and the girl agree, then there would be hope. They will anticipate with excitement for what may come. They will look to tomorrow with a smile because they have each other there.
They ask many unspoken questions. Could this feeling last? Would we be able to stand the test of time? Are we meant to be? Will changes distant us? Will we grow out of love? will we learn to love someone else? What is the price of this love?
And here are the spoken answers. Feelings are not made to to last, but love is. Time exist, but not for love. God will be. Changes will bring new beginnings. Certainly they will grow, but you can never grow out, it is impossible, you can only grow more You must always learn to love someone else. Love costs time. Everything worthwhile takes time. Time is rare, treasured and incomparable. And so is love.
There will be excitement in the unknowns, wonders in the mysteries, and beauty in untrodden paths. Lessons should be learned, differences could be made, and dreams would be fulfilled.
They know they have separate paths to take. It was already planned in advance for them. And perhaps God has already planned for them to meet at a crossroad. But whatever tomorrow may bring, there will be without fail, a sunrise.
And he added at the bottom,
"I'm waiting for that sunrise and hoping on that crossroad."
Sept 10th. 4:45Am
I don't know where I am on this path but I know that even though I choose my steps, God maps my path. And He's there every step of the way.
God, if this was what You wanted, change my heart and show me the way. I am ready to follow you.
It is called "The Boy and the Girl."
Once upon a time, a boy and a girl fell in love and were too lazy to get back up, so they sat and watched a sunset. They waited till the sun gave way to the stars.They sat and sat, happy as could be, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.
They were content and thought that everything was as it should be, but a dark and forbidding cloud loomed ahead. There was no use to deny for they both knew this could not last forever. One day they had to part. There will be many trials and hardship along the way of four long years.
Nothing would be said with certainty and nothing could be done to prevent the unseen. There will be many maybes, perhaps, and perchances. There will be doubts about the ffuture. Questions would arise without answers, answers will come without assurance, and assurance would come, but without reason. There will be may unknowns, mysteries and untrodden bends in the road.
Sincere promises are made, but both wonder and fear. But a promise is a vow. A vow is a commitment. A commitment must have an agreement. If they boy and the girl agree, then there would be hope. They will anticipate with excitement for what may come. They will look to tomorrow with a smile because they have each other there.
They ask many unspoken questions. Could this feeling last? Would we be able to stand the test of time? Are we meant to be? Will changes distant us? Will we grow out of love? will we learn to love someone else? What is the price of this love?
And here are the spoken answers. Feelings are not made to to last, but love is. Time exist, but not for love. God will be. Changes will bring new beginnings. Certainly they will grow, but you can never grow out, it is impossible, you can only grow more You must always learn to love someone else. Love costs time. Everything worthwhile takes time. Time is rare, treasured and incomparable. And so is love.
There will be excitement in the unknowns, wonders in the mysteries, and beauty in untrodden paths. Lessons should be learned, differences could be made, and dreams would be fulfilled.
They know they have separate paths to take. It was already planned in advance for them. And perhaps God has already planned for them to meet at a crossroad. But whatever tomorrow may bring, there will be without fail, a sunrise.
And he added at the bottom,
"I'm waiting for that sunrise and hoping on that crossroad."
Sept 10th. 4:45Am
I don't know where I am on this path but I know that even though I choose my steps, God maps my path. And He's there every step of the way.
God, if this was what You wanted, change my heart and show me the way. I am ready to follow you.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Day 253
So he gave me the letters I wrote to him. And I've been reading them sporadically with dread and with curiosity.
Dread because I'm scared that what I read will not reflect who we've become and what I feel. Curiosity because I forgot what I wrote and what it would reveal to me.
Today I decided to read a letter kept in a capsule we wrote to each other six months into our relationship. We were to read it periodically in our relationship.
In minuscule writing, I wrote about the kind of love only he and I could have. It detailed our adventures, quirks and stories we shared. It was very sweet.
I also talked about how I want to love. I wanted to love in a Godly way and to make him laugh everyday. I wanted to love in an encompassing way, every day. I said that I didn't think about how I felt in the relationship because I only thought of him, how he was feeling, how I could make him happy.
Then I wrote, I wanted to be with him for as long as he wanted me and for as long as God willed it.
It was signed with my pen on exactly today's date, four years ago.
I broke down in tears because I haven't been true to that kind of love I promised him and to myself. I haven't been loving in a Godly way but in a selfish manner. I thought of myself, how I felt and how it was tiring.
So what does this all mean?
I promised that I would relearn how to love from the inside out.
Is this still your will God?
Dread because I'm scared that what I read will not reflect who we've become and what I feel. Curiosity because I forgot what I wrote and what it would reveal to me.
Today I decided to read a letter kept in a capsule we wrote to each other six months into our relationship. We were to read it periodically in our relationship.
In minuscule writing, I wrote about the kind of love only he and I could have. It detailed our adventures, quirks and stories we shared. It was very sweet.
I also talked about how I want to love. I wanted to love in a Godly way and to make him laugh everyday. I wanted to love in an encompassing way, every day. I said that I didn't think about how I felt in the relationship because I only thought of him, how he was feeling, how I could make him happy.
Then I wrote, I wanted to be with him for as long as he wanted me and for as long as God willed it.
It was signed with my pen on exactly today's date, four years ago.
I broke down in tears because I haven't been true to that kind of love I promised him and to myself. I haven't been loving in a Godly way but in a selfish manner. I thought of myself, how I felt and how it was tiring.
So what does this all mean?
I promised that I would relearn how to love from the inside out.
Is this still your will God?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Day 223
We broke up today. I miss him. But it's going to be okay because God is in the center. It's going to be okay because he knows what is best for me and what is best for him.
He will always be my best friend. I am praying that he will be a Godly person and that he fixes his relationship with God first before anything. He feels angry and displeased with God and he doesn't understand what's going on. He needs to focus on him and not on our relationship. This is one of the reasons we need to break up.
I need to focus on God and making myself right with him for Him alone. I need to become a better and caring person in my relationships instead of just pushing them away. I need to learn how to care in a way that is felt. Lord, teach me to do that.
It's going to be okay. Just breathe. God is in the center. It's going to be okay.
Today is September 6th 2009. We have dated for four years and a half. We broke up at 2:50 am.
It's going to be okay.
He will always be my best friend. I am praying that he will be a Godly person and that he fixes his relationship with God first before anything. He feels angry and displeased with God and he doesn't understand what's going on. He needs to focus on him and not on our relationship. This is one of the reasons we need to break up.
I need to focus on God and making myself right with him for Him alone. I need to become a better and caring person in my relationships instead of just pushing them away. I need to learn how to care in a way that is felt. Lord, teach me to do that.
It's going to be okay. Just breathe. God is in the center. It's going to be okay.
Today is September 6th 2009. We have dated for four years and a half. We broke up at 2:50 am.
It's going to be okay.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Day 210
Someone told me today that I needed to act out my actions of love even when I don’t feel it because it will help me stay in love. Why does it feel so forced and false? I wonder if it is because I want out of this relationship so that I don’t have to feel bad anymore. You don’t make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad because of the way I treat you.
You’re such a good person and you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what is going on inside of me and why I’m feeling the way I do. I don’t think it’s because I like another person or that I’m tired of you. There might be a bit of both in the mix in the past but I’ve been there before and this is different. I’m not tired of you as a person, but I don’t seem to realize how great you are anymore. This really hurts me because I want to stay in love with you. Logically it makes sense and I can see why we’re good for each other. However, when it comes to the matters of the heart I falter. Would I be scared to know why?
I don’t like the fact that every time we hit a rough patch it’s because of me. I hate the fact that I feel the need to justify myself. I feel that you’re too good for me. I want to leave but I don’t because I love you and our past. I don’t leave you because you need me right now. I feel like you’ll break apart because you are weak and you need me. You were always there when I needed you. Everything I see reinforces the fact that I should stay except I can’t see it in me.
But I can’t help the fact that I doubt. I’m frustrated, confused and guilty. You still don’t know all these things and I hope you’ll never find out.
God, help me.
You’re such a good person and you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what is going on inside of me and why I’m feeling the way I do. I don’t think it’s because I like another person or that I’m tired of you. There might be a bit of both in the mix in the past but I’ve been there before and this is different. I’m not tired of you as a person, but I don’t seem to realize how great you are anymore. This really hurts me because I want to stay in love with you. Logically it makes sense and I can see why we’re good for each other. However, when it comes to the matters of the heart I falter. Would I be scared to know why?
I don’t like the fact that every time we hit a rough patch it’s because of me. I hate the fact that I feel the need to justify myself. I feel that you’re too good for me. I want to leave but I don’t because I love you and our past. I don’t leave you because you need me right now. I feel like you’ll break apart because you are weak and you need me. You were always there when I needed you. Everything I see reinforces the fact that I should stay except I can’t see it in me.
But I can’t help the fact that I doubt. I’m frustrated, confused and guilty. You still don’t know all these things and I hope you’ll never find out.
God, help me.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Day 208
A lot has happened in the span of 189 days. It has been a whirl of emotions and feelings all of which seems to juxtapose each other.
There were moments that I felt like I was drowning from the inside out. There was a lot to absorb and deal with this summer. Some great things, some sad things and some confusing things.
I made new friends whom I've come to love. I'm doing what I love and am passionate about. I'm reminded again of my Father's love for me. I feel loved.
I also realized how broken we are as a family and as a unit. Our hearts are moving in different directions. No one is wrong. But then no one is right. I feel entirely helpless and my inactions are my horrible response to her need. She needs me but I cannot give anything because I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person because my life is not centered on God. It is so simple but yet not easy.
I'm going through a rough patch with him. Over 200 days ago I was certain of where we were headed. Now I can't bring myself to tell you that I'm scared I don't think I love you the same way anymore. I feel myself distance away from you on purpose in hopes that you would notice and perhaps make it easier for me. I'm trying, I like to say to myself that I really am trying. But I don't know what trying means. I don't try very hard because nothing I've ever really earned needed trying.
My heart is fickle and wanders. I tell myself all these excuses to soften the betrayal that I'm committing. I look to you and you are preoccupied. We don't have our moments anymore. I miss us. Are we ever going to come back? Will I be our ending?
I'm wavering because I am not strong and therefore my love is not strong enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.
I tell myself a lot of things but I'm afraid a lot of it is untrue. But I desperately wish they were just in case they are and because I can't seem to do anything else.
God, you know what you want for me. Would you show me?
There were moments that I felt like I was drowning from the inside out. There was a lot to absorb and deal with this summer. Some great things, some sad things and some confusing things.
I made new friends whom I've come to love. I'm doing what I love and am passionate about. I'm reminded again of my Father's love for me. I feel loved.
I also realized how broken we are as a family and as a unit. Our hearts are moving in different directions. No one is wrong. But then no one is right. I feel entirely helpless and my inactions are my horrible response to her need. She needs me but I cannot give anything because I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person because my life is not centered on God. It is so simple but yet not easy.
I'm going through a rough patch with him. Over 200 days ago I was certain of where we were headed. Now I can't bring myself to tell you that I'm scared I don't think I love you the same way anymore. I feel myself distance away from you on purpose in hopes that you would notice and perhaps make it easier for me. I'm trying, I like to say to myself that I really am trying. But I don't know what trying means. I don't try very hard because nothing I've ever really earned needed trying.
My heart is fickle and wanders. I tell myself all these excuses to soften the betrayal that I'm committing. I look to you and you are preoccupied. We don't have our moments anymore. I miss us. Are we ever going to come back? Will I be our ending?
I'm wavering because I am not strong and therefore my love is not strong enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.
I tell myself a lot of things but I'm afraid a lot of it is untrue. But I desperately wish they were just in case they are and because I can't seem to do anything else.
God, you know what you want for me. Would you show me?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Day 5
Four years is a long time in my life, roughly over one fifth of my life. It is a long time to be in a relationship that has to take the strains of distance and time but we’re still going strong. People ask me how I know I’m in love. You don't really “know” in the most concrete sense. You just feel it. Then some sceptics ask how I know he’s the one. I don’t, but I believe it and it becomes true.
I’m very fortunate to find someone that loves me as he does. I hope he feels the same way about me.
Today I want to say that I’m in love and I’m very grateful.
End of Wendy-verse report.
I’m very fortunate to find someone that loves me as he does. I hope he feels the same way about me.
Today I want to say that I’m in love and I’m very grateful.
End of Wendy-verse report.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)