6 Months

We've been apart for 6 months before. I'm pretty sure we'll make it. Today was the day I started to feel better because you found out about this blog. I'm glad you know even though I felt a little exposed at first. But still, I'm glad.

Feeling glad about that makes me glad because it means I don't want to hide it from you anymore. This is because I want us to be the way we were before.

Thanks for loving me even after all that. I can wait. I'll be happy to wait now. Because at the end of it I'm hoping that we'll be there for each other.

Even though today was a sad day, I was still happy. Thank you.

Blargle

It's only been a week and I feel like I can't talk to you anymore. What's going to happen in half a year? We'll probably be strangers then.

I feel like we've had a role reversal. You're in the driver seat and you know where you need to go. You want time to think and to learn about yourself. Whereas I'm the voiceless passenger without a clue. I don't want to be dropped off in an unknown location to fend for myself. What a horrible analogy but I don't care for prose anymore. No one is going to read this pathetic blog anyways.

I call and I want to hang up when you answer. But I make stuff up. I lied quite a few times already. I want you to know I lied and yet I know the truth just makes it harder for you. I guess I just want you to know this isn't easy for me.

I still haven't written those letters. I don't feel like I've anything left to say.

I feel like I'm beginning a journey of self-destruction. I thought I was strong but clearly I'm not. I don't even like myself anymore.

If I were to write a letter to myself at this point in time I'd write:

"Hey,

You suck.

Change.

-W"

And I'd write to you:

"Good bye. You're better off without me."

The sad thing is... it's true.

Too many days to count

So I've stopped numbering the days of my posts. I'm probably wrong anyways.

But happy birthday blog. You're over a year old now. That's pretty impressive. But I've also started a new blog this year. One where I wouldn't mind family, friends and acquaintances stumbling upon.

It isn't that I'm ashamed of you or cheating on you per say. You're just too close to the truth for other people to know about.

Anyways. FYI and an update. I'm not going to see him for at least half a year starting this Saturday.

Yeah... I don't know how to feel about that either.

Day 355

I've been breaking everything recently.

I've broken records, promises, relationships, myself and you.

You were always there when I fell and helped me up without question. You were there to provide a soft spot during hard times. You loved me despite my flaws. You loved me for my flaws.

I, on the other hand, have done nothing for you. I've only caused you pain and despite that you hide it to spare me. I must be crazy for letting us go.

I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed or who you deserve. It hurts so much to hear that all you wanted was to feel loved and I didn't instill that confidence.

Now and in the future I want to be someone you can trust and lean on. But unfortunately my promises don't mean very much anymore. I still want to be there for you and become someone who you could trust. But I'm afraid it isn't about what I want anymore but what you need. And you don't need me.

So yesterday, today, tomorrow and many tomorrows to come I can only say I'm sorry. Until the day that I can be a better person and have the confidence again to be someone who can love will I come back.

Day 339

Today marks the second snow fall of this winter. I spent the first one alone but I wished I was with someone. I chose to be alone for the second.

I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.

I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.

The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.

Day 324

There is a lot of statements in the English language that are heavily loaded and a lot of them seem to involve only three words. Recently I've discovered another one in a form of a question.

How are you?

This question opens up an endless possibilities of answers. From the generic ones, "I'm fine", the cop out ones, "I'm busy", to the ambiguous ones, "I'm okay". Sometimes the answer will floor you.

I'm asking this question like I mean it these days and answering it honestly. I think it throws people off.

Recently he told me how he was doing. He isn't doing well. Life really seems to be crumbling around his ears and I'm the ears to hear them. He says he has no one else. I believe him. I cannot do much in my position. All I can do is listen. I'm afraid I'm not good at even that. So I pray. I know God listens.

These days, I feel as if I traded my life for a high school girl's. I kind of like it. It keeps my thoughts away from the things that matter. I know that's bad. And yet I readily welcome the distractions.

Day 317

The more people who know the more it becomes irreversible. You keep asking me questions that I don't have answers to. You keep saying that you'll give me time but you're still waiting and counting down the seconds.

I'm reluctant to give you an answer not because I don't have one, I have multiple. I just don't know which is the right one.

The fact that you're asking all the time make it seem like you have somewhere to go and therefore must leave me.

I don't have the right to ask you to stay anymore so don't ask me. That's what I want to say. But what if you're waiting for me to ask? Would it be fair? I know it won't be so I don't ask. And if I don't ask, you're going to leave. Then I'll be all by myself again.

Maybe that's what I need. But I don't think it's what I want.

Day 311

Whenever someone says to you that they're not trying to make you feel guilty... they often do anyways. Even though it wasn't their intention you already brace yourself for it and so in the end you feel the guilt.

You're giving me the ultimatum. I thought you said that I was making progress, you even acknowledged it. I thought we both knew that we needed time. It has only been a week. I don't understand.

It is very selfish of me to hold on and make you hold on. I should let you go shouldn't I. But do I let you go if I thought we stood a chance? The thing that breaks my heart is that you don't think we could anymore based on me. You know me better than myself and if you read me this way, maybe you're right.

I'm scared. I have to make a choice again. This time, it will change our lives and I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.

You're leaving the crossroad now aren't you? It is my turn to wait now.

God help me.

Day 291

One of the hardest lesson for me to learn is to love and to be loved in return. I never understood that song until now. And it really is hard for me. It doesn't make sense to others but I think I need to give up who I think I am to be someone I was meant to be according to God's will.

These past few days have been filled with heartbreaking reflection and realization brought to me by people who are near and dear. I'm learning about my flaws and am still learning to give up myself to God.

I fully believe that God will take care of it all even though right now, I don't know what's going on. I just know that I have a lot to learn and that God still hasn't given up on me.

It's going to be okay.

Day 255

I wrote this around four years ago and now that I've been given back this new batch of letters, they speak to me as if it were written to be read at this moment.

It is called "The Boy and the Girl."

Once upon a time, a boy and a girl fell in love and were too lazy to get back up, so they sat and watched a sunset. They waited till the sun gave way to the stars.They sat and sat, happy as could be, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.

They were content and thought that everything was as it should be, but a dark and forbidding cloud loomed ahead. There was no use to deny for they both knew this could not last forever. One day they had to part. There will be many trials and hardship along the way of four long years.

Nothing would be said with certainty and nothing could be done to prevent the unseen. There will be many maybes, perhaps, and perchances. There will be doubts about the ffuture. Questions would arise without answers, answers will come without assurance, and assurance would come, but without reason. There will be may unknowns, mysteries and untrodden bends in the road.

Sincere promises are made, but both wonder and fear. But a promise is a vow. A vow is a commitment. A commitment must have an agreement. If they boy and the girl agree, then there would be hope. They will anticipate with excitement for what may come. They will look to tomorrow with a smile because they have each other there.

They ask many unspoken questions. Could this feeling last? Would we be able to stand the test of time? Are we meant to be? Will changes distant us? Will we grow out of love? will we learn to love someone else? What is the price of this love?

And here are the spoken answers. Feelings are not made to to last, but love is. Time exist, but not for love. God will be. Changes will bring new beginnings. Certainly they will grow, but you can never grow out, it is impossible, you can only grow more You must always learn to love someone else. Love costs time. Everything worthwhile takes time. Time is rare, treasured and incomparable. And so is love.

There will be excitement in the unknowns, wonders in the mysteries, and beauty in untrodden paths. Lessons should be learned, differences could be made, and dreams would be fulfilled.

They know they have separate paths to take. It was already planned in advance for them. And perhaps God has already planned for them to meet at a crossroad. But whatever tomorrow may bring, there will be without fail, a sunrise.

And he added at the bottom,

"I'm waiting for that sunrise and hoping on that crossroad."
Sept 10th. 4:45Am

I don't know where I am on this path but I know that even though I choose my steps, God maps my path. And He's there every step of the way.

God, if this was what You wanted, change my heart and show me the way. I am ready to follow you.

Day 253

So he gave me the letters I wrote to him. And I've been reading them sporadically with dread and with curiosity.

Dread because I'm scared that what I read will not reflect who we've become and what I feel. Curiosity because I forgot what I wrote and what it would reveal to me.

Today I decided to read a letter kept in a capsule we wrote to each other six months into our relationship. We were to read it periodically in our relationship.

In minuscule writing, I wrote about the kind of love only he and I could have. It detailed our adventures, quirks and stories we shared. It was very sweet.

I also talked about how I want to love. I wanted to love in a Godly way and to make him laugh everyday. I wanted to love in an encompassing way, every day. I said that I didn't think about how I felt in the relationship because I only thought of him, how he was feeling, how I could make him happy.

Then I wrote, I wanted to be with him for as long as he wanted me and for as long as God willed it.

It was signed with my pen on exactly today's date, four years ago.

I broke down in tears because I haven't been true to that kind of love I promised him and to myself. I haven't been loving in a Godly way but in a selfish manner. I thought of myself, how I felt and how it was tiring.

So what does this all mean?

I promised that I would relearn how to love from the inside out.

Is this still your will God?

Day 223

We broke up today. I miss him. But it's going to be okay because God is in the center. It's going to be okay because he knows what is best for me and what is best for him.

He will always be my best friend. I am praying that he will be a Godly person and that he fixes his relationship with God first before anything. He feels angry and displeased with God and he doesn't understand what's going on. He needs to focus on him and not on our relationship. This is one of the reasons we need to break up.

I need to focus on God and making myself right with him for Him alone. I need to become a better and caring person in my relationships instead of just pushing them away. I need to learn how to care in a way that is felt. Lord, teach me to do that.

It's going to be okay. Just breathe. God is in the center. It's going to be okay.

Today is September 6th 2009. We have dated for four years and a half. We broke up at 2:50 am.

It's going to be okay.

Day 222

Yesterday was a good day. I had a good talk with someone unexpected. It was really Providence because the things I had to say were not really from me but from the Holy Spirit. It was as if what I had to say was also what I had to realize and listen to as well.

God really works miracles. I'm not emotionally burnt out yet and I wonder if I will spread myself too thin. But I know I'm doing all these things for God and not for myself so I will rely on his strength. If I am doing his will he will equip me with the right traits.

I realize that my feelings are leaning elsewhere. I don't exactly try to curb it but I'm not in dangerous waters. Should I be extreme and break off contact? Or wait it out?

Someone told me that sometimes situations calls for inactions. When I am still I will see God move in my life.

Day 220

I cannot see and my heart fails me.

It has overtaken me and left me

Seemingly broken and lost,

But Your love will quiet me.

Please do not delay.



Thank you for being here even if I am just a silly girl. Be patient with me when You make Yourself known so clearly. My vision is blurred with inner turmoil and I don't know where to go anymore. Tunnels of thought lead no where and they keep going deeper. Where does it lead? Will it finally reach the heart of the matter?

When I find it, what will happen to me? Please be there.

I'm scared.