Day 253

So he gave me the letters I wrote to him. And I've been reading them sporadically with dread and with curiosity.

Dread because I'm scared that what I read will not reflect who we've become and what I feel. Curiosity because I forgot what I wrote and what it would reveal to me.

Today I decided to read a letter kept in a capsule we wrote to each other six months into our relationship. We were to read it periodically in our relationship.

In minuscule writing, I wrote about the kind of love only he and I could have. It detailed our adventures, quirks and stories we shared. It was very sweet.

I also talked about how I want to love. I wanted to love in a Godly way and to make him laugh everyday. I wanted to love in an encompassing way, every day. I said that I didn't think about how I felt in the relationship because I only thought of him, how he was feeling, how I could make him happy.

Then I wrote, I wanted to be with him for as long as he wanted me and for as long as God willed it.

It was signed with my pen on exactly today's date, four years ago.

I broke down in tears because I haven't been true to that kind of love I promised him and to myself. I haven't been loving in a Godly way but in a selfish manner. I thought of myself, how I felt and how it was tiring.

So what does this all mean?

I promised that I would relearn how to love from the inside out.

Is this still your will God?