Day 357

I find myself listening to songs and relating the lyrics to me and you. I smile, I reminisce, I cry, and my heart is bitter sweet.

My mind has moved forward but left my heart behind. My rational has convinced me but my emotions are in disarray. So I'm left standing in the middle of no where because there is no context, no pretenses, no future and no certainty.

The fine line gets thinner and my steps get clumsier. When will I fall? There is no doubt in my mind that I will. I only wonder how many pieces I will be able to pick up when it all shatters magnificently into thousands of little bits.

Day 339

Today marks the second snow fall of this winter. I spent the first one alone but I wished I was with someone. I chose to be alone for the second.

I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.

I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.

The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.

Day 330

I have so much to say but can’t seem to say them. My thoughts are running around so fast I can’t catch a hold of them to pin it down and write it out.

I want to change. This is good.

I'm changing. This is even better.

Day 329

Whoa. That was an intense conversation. You really can't judge a book by its cover.

I just had a ten hour long conversation online and I think it taught me something about myself and hopefully he learned something too. Although I leave feeling like I hurt him when that was not my intent. We just really hit home with the things we said about each other. He pointed out my flaws and I didn't mince words for his at the end. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. But I'm sure it was a life altering experience for the both of us. The sad thing is, he might not want to talk to me anymore.

I really was trying very hard to be friends. I think he was worth it. I hope he sees that too. All I can do is pray for him.

I think I met my match for the King and Queen of Awkward. He has the power to render me speechless and make me shrink. I've never met anyone like him before. He tells it like it is and I don't hate him for it. I hope he understands that. I know he heard it but I don't know if he processed it.

I'm so drained but can't go to bed. I'm worried about him. Maybe it was wrong of me to say all that. But he taught me some things and I'm going to face them head on now.

Breathe in mercy and breathe out prayers.

Day 324

There is a lot of statements in the English language that are heavily loaded and a lot of them seem to involve only three words. Recently I've discovered another one in a form of a question.

How are you?

This question opens up an endless possibilities of answers. From the generic ones, "I'm fine", the cop out ones, "I'm busy", to the ambiguous ones, "I'm okay". Sometimes the answer will floor you.

I'm asking this question like I mean it these days and answering it honestly. I think it throws people off.

Recently he told me how he was doing. He isn't doing well. Life really seems to be crumbling around his ears and I'm the ears to hear them. He says he has no one else. I believe him. I cannot do much in my position. All I can do is listen. I'm afraid I'm not good at even that. So I pray. I know God listens.

These days, I feel as if I traded my life for a high school girl's. I kind of like it. It keeps my thoughts away from the things that matter. I know that's bad. And yet I readily welcome the distractions.

Day 317

The more people who know the more it becomes irreversible. You keep asking me questions that I don't have answers to. You keep saying that you'll give me time but you're still waiting and counting down the seconds.

I'm reluctant to give you an answer not because I don't have one, I have multiple. I just don't know which is the right one.

The fact that you're asking all the time make it seem like you have somewhere to go and therefore must leave me.

I don't have the right to ask you to stay anymore so don't ask me. That's what I want to say. But what if you're waiting for me to ask? Would it be fair? I know it won't be so I don't ask. And if I don't ask, you're going to leave. Then I'll be all by myself again.

Maybe that's what I need. But I don't think it's what I want.

Day 311

Whenever someone says to you that they're not trying to make you feel guilty... they often do anyways. Even though it wasn't their intention you already brace yourself for it and so in the end you feel the guilt.

You're giving me the ultimatum. I thought you said that I was making progress, you even acknowledged it. I thought we both knew that we needed time. It has only been a week. I don't understand.

It is very selfish of me to hold on and make you hold on. I should let you go shouldn't I. But do I let you go if I thought we stood a chance? The thing that breaks my heart is that you don't think we could anymore based on me. You know me better than myself and if you read me this way, maybe you're right.

I'm scared. I have to make a choice again. This time, it will change our lives and I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.

You're leaving the crossroad now aren't you? It is my turn to wait now.

God help me.

Day 275

I keep wavering and I'm getting sea sick. Hold me in place before I drift away. Will you be my anchor?

Sometimes I wish that people knew how I'm trying to reach out to them. A lot of us say things we don't mean. So what people say to us don't mean very much. I wish they knew that I take a lot of care to how I approach them. Every encounter starts with concern and debate. The words that I say were formed from the heart. But they don't know this and I'm left with no words.

I care very much and I make it known. But still how I wish they knew. Am I getting through to you?

Day 274

I'm working on loving others and today during devotions I read that "time [is] one of the most precious gifts we can give to others. How we choose to spend our time is the surest indicator of how much we care for those we love."

I'm working on it. I'm seeing my flaws more clearly these days and reflecting on who I am and what I need to work on.

I remember writing somewhere in my blog that I don't spend time on my friendships and I deemed it unnecessary since we'll be friends if we were meant to be. Obviously this is not true.

I know that maintaining friendships, showing people you love them and getting to know people takes a lot of effort and emotional investment. All this takes time and I need to give my time more generously from now on.

Day 222

Yesterday was a good day. I had a good talk with someone unexpected. It was really Providence because the things I had to say were not really from me but from the Holy Spirit. It was as if what I had to say was also what I had to realize and listen to as well.

God really works miracles. I'm not emotionally burnt out yet and I wonder if I will spread myself too thin. But I know I'm doing all these things for God and not for myself so I will rely on his strength. If I am doing his will he will equip me with the right traits.

I realize that my feelings are leaning elsewhere. I don't exactly try to curb it but I'm not in dangerous waters. Should I be extreme and break off contact? Or wait it out?

Someone told me that sometimes situations calls for inactions. When I am still I will see God move in my life.

Day 220

I cannot see and my heart fails me.

It has overtaken me and left me

Seemingly broken and lost,

But Your love will quiet me.

Please do not delay.



Thank you for being here even if I am just a silly girl. Be patient with me when You make Yourself known so clearly. My vision is blurred with inner turmoil and I don't know where to go anymore. Tunnels of thought lead no where and they keep going deeper. Where does it lead? Will it finally reach the heart of the matter?

When I find it, what will happen to me? Please be there.

I'm scared.

Day 218

Today I found out my professor died on August 26th.

The last time I saw him was a week before that. I got to say goodbye and I kept my promise to the end. I prayed for him like I said I would.

Sometimes we tell people we'll pray for them like it's no big deal. But it is. It's a promise that we have to keep. I learned that today. Prayers are a huge responsibilty and when we say we'll pray we have an obligation to do so... even when our prayers aren't answered. His will be done.

Day 210

Someone told me today that I needed to act out my actions of love even when I don’t feel it because it will help me stay in love. Why does it feel so forced and false? I wonder if it is because I want out of this relationship so that I don’t have to feel bad anymore. You don’t make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad because of the way I treat you.

You’re such a good person and you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what is going on inside of me and why I’m feeling the way I do. I don’t think it’s because I like another person or that I’m tired of you. There might be a bit of both in the mix in the past but I’ve been there before and this is different. I’m not tired of you as a person, but I don’t seem to realize how great you are anymore. This really hurts me because I want to stay in love with you. Logically it makes sense and I can see why we’re good for each other. However, when it comes to the matters of the heart I falter. Would I be scared to know why?

I don’t like the fact that every time we hit a rough patch it’s because of me. I hate the fact that I feel the need to justify myself. I feel that you’re too good for me. I want to leave but I don’t because I love you and our past. I don’t leave you because you need me right now. I feel like you’ll break apart because you are weak and you need me. You were always there when I needed you. Everything I see reinforces the fact that I should stay except I can’t see it in me.

But I can’t help the fact that I doubt. I’m frustrated, confused and guilty. You still don’t know all these things and I hope you’ll never find out.

God, help me.

Day 208

A lot has happened in the span of 189 days. It has been a whirl of emotions and feelings all of which seems to juxtapose each other.

There were moments that I felt like I was drowning from the inside out. There was a lot to absorb and deal with this summer. Some great things, some sad things and some confusing things.

I made new friends whom I've come to love. I'm doing what I love and am passionate about. I'm reminded again of my Father's love for me. I feel loved.

I also realized how broken we are as a family and as a unit. Our hearts are moving in different directions. No one is wrong. But then no one is right. I feel entirely helpless and my inactions are my horrible response to her need. She needs me but I cannot give anything because I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person because my life is not centered on God. It is so simple but yet not easy.

I'm going through a rough patch with him. Over 200 days ago I was certain of where we were headed. Now I can't bring myself to tell you that I'm scared I don't think I love you the same way anymore. I feel myself distance away from you on purpose in hopes that you would notice and perhaps make it easier for me. I'm trying, I like to say to myself that I really am trying. But I don't know what trying means. I don't try very hard because nothing I've ever really earned needed trying.

My heart is fickle and wanders. I tell myself all these excuses to soften the betrayal that I'm committing. I look to you and you are preoccupied. We don't have our moments anymore. I miss us. Are we ever going to come back? Will I be our ending?

I'm wavering because I am not strong and therefore my love is not strong enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.

I tell myself a lot of things but I'm afraid a lot of it is untrue. But I desperately wish they were just in case they are and because I can't seem to do anything else.

God, you know what you want for me. Would you show me?

Day 19

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches even when those bruises are killing you and it seems like the ground is paved in sharp gravel. I know I have to keep trudging along but sometimes I just want to sit and bawl like a baby because I don't want to deal with it now or ever.

But of course, the world keeps revolving and even when there is something momentous and earth shattering for you, everything just keepings moving on. You have to pick up yourself fast because if you don't, you spend too much time playing catch up. And when you don't catch up in time, you'll realize that life just passed you by. So we keep on rolling with those punches until we're so dizzy we can hardly breathe.

As Bridget Jones so aptly put it, " It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces."

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 11

Today's blog will meditate on ramyun or ramen depending if you're a lover of a Korean or Japanese brand. (And if you're Chinese you call them instant noodles.)

I was just staring adoringly at my package today and I was contemplating the best way to cook a plain ramyun/ramen. I realized that different cultures dictate how you will cook your noodles and each will argue that their way is the best way.

Some say you must cook it on the stove, soup base first then the noodles and simmer. Others reverse the order and some even drain the noodles after the first cooking and then create a separate batch for the soup base. Fancier eaters crack an egg in for good measure.

Me? I pour my soup base, noodle and a cup of water in a microwavable bowl and nuke it for 2 minutes.

I think the way a person chooses to cook their noodles say a lot about them. But that isn't saying much about me.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 8

In my twenty some odd years on this earth I've experienced a few historical events. I've lived through wars, 9/11, Katrina, the first black President of the United States of America and now the depression of the 21st century.

I wonder if people will study these events in fifty years and wonder just as I wonder how it was like during the 1930s. I always imagined that it must've been hard to live during those times but look at us now. We just keep moving forward. Maybe its because we can't move backwards.

End of Wendy-verse report.