Someone told me today that I needed to act out my actions of love even when I don’t feel it because it will help me stay in love. Why does it feel so forced and false? I wonder if it is because I want out of this relationship so that I don’t have to feel bad anymore. You don’t make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad because of the way I treat you.
You’re such a good person and you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what is going on inside of me and why I’m feeling the way I do. I don’t think it’s because I like another person or that I’m tired of you. There might be a bit of both in the mix in the past but I’ve been there before and this is different. I’m not tired of you as a person, but I don’t seem to realize how great you are anymore. This really hurts me because I want to stay in love with you. Logically it makes sense and I can see why we’re good for each other. However, when it comes to the matters of the heart I falter. Would I be scared to know why?
I don’t like the fact that every time we hit a rough patch it’s because of me. I hate the fact that I feel the need to justify myself. I feel that you’re too good for me. I want to leave but I don’t because I love you and our past. I don’t leave you because you need me right now. I feel like you’ll break apart because you are weak and you need me. You were always there when I needed you. Everything I see reinforces the fact that I should stay except I can’t see it in me.
But I can’t help the fact that I doubt. I’m frustrated, confused and guilty. You still don’t know all these things and I hope you’ll never find out.
God, help me.
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