Don't know what you're missing...

Til it's gone.

Man, I miss having my best friend around. It wasn't like I talked to him every single day but now that I can't contact him whenever I want to I notice how much I miss him. Especially now, when things are getting hectic and I'm piled up to my neck in work. Boo!

Exams, case studies, essays, unit plans blah blah blah. Life of a student. Well it won't be long when this is over and I might miss it too. Can't say I'm treasuring these moments though. I am kind of regretful that I didn't lead my student life the typical way. I didn't attend parties, make life long friends or join clubs. It wasn't bad mind you, just lack luster. Sometimes I wish I could afford going to school out of town. I wonder if I would be any different?

But this is what God planned and He knows best. I've got the rest of my life ahead of me. I wonder what I'm going to do next. I hope it will be more adventurous than my life as a student!

Day 291

One of the hardest lesson for me to learn is to love and to be loved in return. I never understood that song until now. And it really is hard for me. It doesn't make sense to others but I think I need to give up who I think I am to be someone I was meant to be according to God's will.

These past few days have been filled with heartbreaking reflection and realization brought to me by people who are near and dear. I'm learning about my flaws and am still learning to give up myself to God.

I fully believe that God will take care of it all even though right now, I don't know what's going on. I just know that I have a lot to learn and that God still hasn't given up on me.

It's going to be okay.

Day 217

Celebrated mommy's birthday today. Well, technically yesterday. She turned 50. I'm so glad she's my mother. She really is my best friend because she knows me best and most of the time knows me better than myself. She is a comforter because she always has open arms for me. She's my inspiration because she's a chaser of dreams. And more than that, she believes them. Thank you God for my mother. You knew I needed her.

On another note, my work term has ended. I will really miss it. I've learned so much and grew more into myself as God wanted me to be. He knew I needed this job more than they needed me and I'm so thankful.

I'm going to miss the friendship we've created. Technically, I'll be able to see you all on a regular basis but I know that it won't be the same. There won't be inside jokes or the intimacy of seeing each other every day. I know that I'm not very good at keeping friendships but sometimes I think that this is what it ought to be.

Allow me to explain myself. Yes, we can maintain friendships and they can grow. But sometimes friendships are so much more beautiful when we remember them as they were in that context and in that time frame. I don't put effort in pursuing friendships that pass inevitably due to circumstance. If we really are friends we'll always be friends. I still feel close to you even if I don't see you. And the next time I do, it'll be like no time has passed at all.

Sometimes I'm afraid that this thinking is faulty. That I lose people. But surely life will have us meet again when we least expect it and when we need it most.

Day 210

Someone told me today that I needed to act out my actions of love even when I don’t feel it because it will help me stay in love. Why does it feel so forced and false? I wonder if it is because I want out of this relationship so that I don’t have to feel bad anymore. You don’t make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad because of the way I treat you.

You’re such a good person and you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what is going on inside of me and why I’m feeling the way I do. I don’t think it’s because I like another person or that I’m tired of you. There might be a bit of both in the mix in the past but I’ve been there before and this is different. I’m not tired of you as a person, but I don’t seem to realize how great you are anymore. This really hurts me because I want to stay in love with you. Logically it makes sense and I can see why we’re good for each other. However, when it comes to the matters of the heart I falter. Would I be scared to know why?

I don’t like the fact that every time we hit a rough patch it’s because of me. I hate the fact that I feel the need to justify myself. I feel that you’re too good for me. I want to leave but I don’t because I love you and our past. I don’t leave you because you need me right now. I feel like you’ll break apart because you are weak and you need me. You were always there when I needed you. Everything I see reinforces the fact that I should stay except I can’t see it in me.

But I can’t help the fact that I doubt. I’m frustrated, confused and guilty. You still don’t know all these things and I hope you’ll never find out.

God, help me.

Day 208

A lot has happened in the span of 189 days. It has been a whirl of emotions and feelings all of which seems to juxtapose each other.

There were moments that I felt like I was drowning from the inside out. There was a lot to absorb and deal with this summer. Some great things, some sad things and some confusing things.

I made new friends whom I've come to love. I'm doing what I love and am passionate about. I'm reminded again of my Father's love for me. I feel loved.

I also realized how broken we are as a family and as a unit. Our hearts are moving in different directions. No one is wrong. But then no one is right. I feel entirely helpless and my inactions are my horrible response to her need. She needs me but I cannot give anything because I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person because my life is not centered on God. It is so simple but yet not easy.

I'm going through a rough patch with him. Over 200 days ago I was certain of where we were headed. Now I can't bring myself to tell you that I'm scared I don't think I love you the same way anymore. I feel myself distance away from you on purpose in hopes that you would notice and perhaps make it easier for me. I'm trying, I like to say to myself that I really am trying. But I don't know what trying means. I don't try very hard because nothing I've ever really earned needed trying.

My heart is fickle and wanders. I tell myself all these excuses to soften the betrayal that I'm committing. I look to you and you are preoccupied. We don't have our moments anymore. I miss us. Are we ever going to come back? Will I be our ending?

I'm wavering because I am not strong and therefore my love is not strong enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.

I tell myself a lot of things but I'm afraid a lot of it is untrue. But I desperately wish they were just in case they are and because I can't seem to do anything else.

God, you know what you want for me. Would you show me?

Day 19

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches even when those bruises are killing you and it seems like the ground is paved in sharp gravel. I know I have to keep trudging along but sometimes I just want to sit and bawl like a baby because I don't want to deal with it now or ever.

But of course, the world keeps revolving and even when there is something momentous and earth shattering for you, everything just keepings moving on. You have to pick up yourself fast because if you don't, you spend too much time playing catch up. And when you don't catch up in time, you'll realize that life just passed you by. So we keep on rolling with those punches until we're so dizzy we can hardly breathe.

As Bridget Jones so aptly put it, " It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces."

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 13

I don't feel comfortable bailing out on people. Is bailing out a cop out or just a move to ensure your own survival. However if this decision affects others around you would you still do it? What if those people are mere acquaintances? But then does that really matter? It still makes me uneasy either way. I feel guilty and yet I definitely lean towards bailing out to avoid nasty situations.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 10

Sunday afternoon walks are luxurious and rare events. The perfect ingredients are hard to come by especially when we have no control. Today we were given one of those beautiful days where the sun is brilliant, the sky is tranquil, the wind is gentle and the air crisp. None of us had pressing matters to attend to and nature lured us into her land.

We are very fortunate to live near a valley in the middle of a bustling city. Its like a completely different world and it is a nice reprieve. We took lots of pictures and rambled through the scenery. It was simply lovely.

Day 9

I don't like it when people are disappointed in me or give up on me. I get mad at myself and then feel awful but when you reach that point there is nothing more you can do. Especially when you haven't given it your best and therefore you don't have an excuse or any comfort.

I'm experiencing it today. What should I do? Beg to pick up the task again and struggle with the frustration by myself? I feel like I couldn't ask for help at this point nor do I deserve a request for a second chance. My pride won't allow me to ask again nor does it allow me to just give up. What to do?

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 7

I don’t like being an adult. I’m surprised I don’t have a frown etched on my face permanently. I don’t like having this responsibility thrust in my hands. I know I’m being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling this way. Somehow these situations are so unnatural and yet I’m forced to deal with them. Yet we still manage to move on and do it all over again the next day. But right now I want to throw a hissy fit and say that life is unfair. I feel angry at myself for feeling this way. Agh! I’m frustrated with the situation and frustrated at myself.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 6

Isn't it nice when little things in life give you joy? I love daily routines that become habitual and yet they are so enjoyable in their own easy going way. Like taking the bus or walking through your neighborhood. That slice of familiarity and the stead fastness of those scenes and events are very dear to me.

Today I took the subway with my father. That moment when I turn around to wave before the door closes between us and I call out "bye dad" is infinitely sweet to me. I don't really know why but those are the moments I want to document and remember.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 3

Have you ever experienced two worlds colliding? I have today. It is disconcerting at first because you try to pin point why something seems off. It’s like an itch you’ve got but can’t reach. You find yourself entirely unsatisfyed until you solve that mystery. So you start comparing your normal scenario with today's picture and it bugs the heck out of you why things aren't where they're supposed to be.

Like having someone unexpectedly show up somewhere you don't associate or place them in your head. That’s what happened to me today. Two of my many worlds collided. But that just tells me that I’ve compartmentalize myself and everything around me. It wasn't really so bad for me as it was for the other person though. Just different. I guess different is good sometimes. It gives my life excitement.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 2

It has been a year. I don’t have many memories of him.

He wasn’t a remarkable man. He wasn’t a hard worker, nor was he a good husband. He wasn’t a loving father or a doting grandfather. He lived his life quietly and alone but he was content in his own way.

I remember waiting for literally hours for him to get ready in the bathroom as a child. He was always tardy but took great care of his appearance. He liked to collect old newspapers in the corner of his living room for reasons unknown to me. Above his favourite spot in his house was a great big yellow stain from the years of cigarette smoke that he emitted. He had a religious routine that he followed every day.  

He gave me a pen that he bought from the dollar store with a colourful yarn once. It was suppose to light up but the batteries were dead before I even opened the package. It was one of the two items he ever gave to me. I still have it.  

I don’t harbour resentment or hatred to this man because I haven’t spent much time with him. He lived miles away from me and back then, it might as well be another world. Perhaps it’s because of this that I still think of him fondly and I dutifully love him with a little part of me.

I wish I knew you better grandfather.

 

End of Wendy-verse report.