Blargle

It's only been a week and I feel like I can't talk to you anymore. What's going to happen in half a year? We'll probably be strangers then.

I feel like we've had a role reversal. You're in the driver seat and you know where you need to go. You want time to think and to learn about yourself. Whereas I'm the voiceless passenger without a clue. I don't want to be dropped off in an unknown location to fend for myself. What a horrible analogy but I don't care for prose anymore. No one is going to read this pathetic blog anyways.

I call and I want to hang up when you answer. But I make stuff up. I lied quite a few times already. I want you to know I lied and yet I know the truth just makes it harder for you. I guess I just want you to know this isn't easy for me.

I still haven't written those letters. I don't feel like I've anything left to say.

I feel like I'm beginning a journey of self-destruction. I thought I was strong but clearly I'm not. I don't even like myself anymore.

If I were to write a letter to myself at this point in time I'd write:

"Hey,

You suck.

Change.

-W"

And I'd write to you:

"Good bye. You're better off without me."

The sad thing is... it's true.

Day 355

I've been breaking everything recently.

I've broken records, promises, relationships, myself and you.

You were always there when I fell and helped me up without question. You were there to provide a soft spot during hard times. You loved me despite my flaws. You loved me for my flaws.

I, on the other hand, have done nothing for you. I've only caused you pain and despite that you hide it to spare me. I must be crazy for letting us go.

I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed or who you deserve. It hurts so much to hear that all you wanted was to feel loved and I didn't instill that confidence.

Now and in the future I want to be someone you can trust and lean on. But unfortunately my promises don't mean very much anymore. I still want to be there for you and become someone who you could trust. But I'm afraid it isn't about what I want anymore but what you need. And you don't need me.

So yesterday, today, tomorrow and many tomorrows to come I can only say I'm sorry. Until the day that I can be a better person and have the confidence again to be someone who can love will I come back.

Day 340

I can’t breathe.

I’m in the hot seat again. I think I’m lying and telling everyone that I’m trying. Maybe I’m not. But why does it hurt so much if I’m not trying? Wouldn’t it be easier if I wasn’t trying?

I wish you’d give up so I can too.

Day 311

Whenever someone says to you that they're not trying to make you feel guilty... they often do anyways. Even though it wasn't their intention you already brace yourself for it and so in the end you feel the guilt.

You're giving me the ultimatum. I thought you said that I was making progress, you even acknowledged it. I thought we both knew that we needed time. It has only been a week. I don't understand.

It is very selfish of me to hold on and make you hold on. I should let you go shouldn't I. But do I let you go if I thought we stood a chance? The thing that breaks my heart is that you don't think we could anymore based on me. You know me better than myself and if you read me this way, maybe you're right.

I'm scared. I have to make a choice again. This time, it will change our lives and I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.

You're leaving the crossroad now aren't you? It is my turn to wait now.

God help me.

Day 291

One of the hardest lesson for me to learn is to love and to be loved in return. I never understood that song until now. And it really is hard for me. It doesn't make sense to others but I think I need to give up who I think I am to be someone I was meant to be according to God's will.

These past few days have been filled with heartbreaking reflection and realization brought to me by people who are near and dear. I'm learning about my flaws and am still learning to give up myself to God.

I fully believe that God will take care of it all even though right now, I don't know what's going on. I just know that I have a lot to learn and that God still hasn't given up on me.

It's going to be okay.

Day 273

I am the personification of tactless.

I think I am so because I expect other people to have the same emotional threshold as I do. Sometimes I don't understand why people get upset at me. I register the fact that I hurt them in the aftermath but in a situation, I tend to think that everything is fair game. I think this is because I sort of like being abrasive and not having to control what I do or say.

I know this is bad. I still do it anyways because I don't process other peoples' emotional quotient before mine.

I need a CTRL + Z function in my life.

I'm sorry.

Day 263

You know you have commitment phobia when you keep clothing tags on your dresser just in case you want to return it. I can't even commit to an article of clothing.

I am a creature of denial and sweeper of rugs... that is I sweep things under the rug. I don't let it blow over because I bury it under. I just let it sit in a desolate corner, a place that I know my mind would not wander into.

I think I'm a happy person. I don't like it when things bog me down. So I tend to ignore or brush it off. Whatever it may be... thought, situation or person.

Sometimes I think I am a prickly person. When you threaten to be too close, I push you away. I think I'm getting tired of pushing. But I don't like it when you're too close. I'm emotionally cluster phobic. Please keep back. Thanks.

Day 7

I don’t like being an adult. I’m surprised I don’t have a frown etched on my face permanently. I don’t like having this responsibility thrust in my hands. I know I’m being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling this way. Somehow these situations are so unnatural and yet I’m forced to deal with them. Yet we still manage to move on and do it all over again the next day. But right now I want to throw a hissy fit and say that life is unfair. I feel angry at myself for feeling this way. Agh! I’m frustrated with the situation and frustrated at myself.

End of Wendy-verse report.

Day 4

Often times I want to run away when something gets tough. But I don't in the end because it seems harder if I quit now. So does that mean I'm a half-hearted quitter or am I brave? I've no clue. Maybe I'm just too lazy to find out what happens.

I wish I were braver and more pro-active in my life. I know I'm not getting the most out of it. I don't think I'm scared, I think I'm just too lazy to crawl out of my comfort zone.

End of Wendy-verse report.