Day 339

Today marks the second snow fall of this winter. I spent the first one alone but I wished I was with someone. I chose to be alone for the second.

I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.

I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.

The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.

Day 329

Whoa. That was an intense conversation. You really can't judge a book by its cover.

I just had a ten hour long conversation online and I think it taught me something about myself and hopefully he learned something too. Although I leave feeling like I hurt him when that was not my intent. We just really hit home with the things we said about each other. He pointed out my flaws and I didn't mince words for his at the end. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. But I'm sure it was a life altering experience for the both of us. The sad thing is, he might not want to talk to me anymore.

I really was trying very hard to be friends. I think he was worth it. I hope he sees that too. All I can do is pray for him.

I think I met my match for the King and Queen of Awkward. He has the power to render me speechless and make me shrink. I've never met anyone like him before. He tells it like it is and I don't hate him for it. I hope he understands that. I know he heard it but I don't know if he processed it.

I'm so drained but can't go to bed. I'm worried about him. Maybe it was wrong of me to say all that. But he taught me some things and I'm going to face them head on now.

Breathe in mercy and breathe out prayers.

Day 324

There is a lot of statements in the English language that are heavily loaded and a lot of them seem to involve only three words. Recently I've discovered another one in a form of a question.

How are you?

This question opens up an endless possibilities of answers. From the generic ones, "I'm fine", the cop out ones, "I'm busy", to the ambiguous ones, "I'm okay". Sometimes the answer will floor you.

I'm asking this question like I mean it these days and answering it honestly. I think it throws people off.

Recently he told me how he was doing. He isn't doing well. Life really seems to be crumbling around his ears and I'm the ears to hear them. He says he has no one else. I believe him. I cannot do much in my position. All I can do is listen. I'm afraid I'm not good at even that. So I pray. I know God listens.

These days, I feel as if I traded my life for a high school girl's. I kind of like it. It keeps my thoughts away from the things that matter. I know that's bad. And yet I readily welcome the distractions.

Day 313

Why do people feel the need to discuss about someone when the said person is not present? Especially when it's me. I can handle it, I really can. I'll let you know when I can't.

Well... maybe that's not true. If I could I wouldn't be writing all this here but instead talking to someone about it. If I didn't have a blog I don't know what I'll do. This is my outlet and even this outlet is not completely genuine. I'm already censoring and reprocessing what I think.

Still, I don't like it when concerned folks talk about me with someone else. Just ask me instead. It really isn't that hard and I like that venue much better. When you talk about me, I feel like I'm being examined and prosecuted without a trail. At least let me have the chance to speak and explain myself.

It hurts, regardless if you're involved in my life, concerned, worried, a bystander, family or friend. The truth of the matter is I don't like it.

Maybe I'll slam a big halt on the palm of my hand and tell you to beat it. But isn't that my choice? Must you ask about me through others? I think you'll get a better answer if you just ask me.

And when it comes down to it, it just makes me sad that you can't talk to me. :(

Day 308

Everyday we face and make choices. Sometimes those choices change our lives. Sometimes those choices become mistakes. And most times those choices cannot be changed.

I don't want to regret my choices. I don't want those choices that become mistakes define who I am.

I am more than the mistakes I make.

But most people don't see beyond that.

There is only one right choice and all the rest are wrong. How am I to know which one to make?

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.
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I have no one to talk to. But even if I did, what would I say? Would you take my words lightly or interpret them incorrectly like you do my choices?

Day 275

I keep wavering and I'm getting sea sick. Hold me in place before I drift away. Will you be my anchor?

Sometimes I wish that people knew how I'm trying to reach out to them. A lot of us say things we don't mean. So what people say to us don't mean very much. I wish they knew that I take a lot of care to how I approach them. Every encounter starts with concern and debate. The words that I say were formed from the heart. But they don't know this and I'm left with no words.

I care very much and I make it known. But still how I wish they knew. Am I getting through to you?

Day 274

I'm working on loving others and today during devotions I read that "time [is] one of the most precious gifts we can give to others. How we choose to spend our time is the surest indicator of how much we care for those we love."

I'm working on it. I'm seeing my flaws more clearly these days and reflecting on who I am and what I need to work on.

I remember writing somewhere in my blog that I don't spend time on my friendships and I deemed it unnecessary since we'll be friends if we were meant to be. Obviously this is not true.

I know that maintaining friendships, showing people you love them and getting to know people takes a lot of effort and emotional investment. All this takes time and I need to give my time more generously from now on.

Day 224

I am so glad for friends. Just being around them make me feel happy and loved. The fact that there are people willing to hug me without even knowing why. And for those who do know what has happen, I thank them for their understanding, empathy and presence.

They do comfort me. But God comforts me with his rod and his staff. They protect, guide, comfort and counts me. He knows when I'm lost, in need of help, in need of hope, in need of love and in need of shelter. He knows best and he will lead me to quiet waters and I will be content.

Thank you God.

And retail therapy doesn't hurt. Six beautiful pairs of shoes to add to my collection.

Day 223

We broke up today. I miss him. But it's going to be okay because God is in the center. It's going to be okay because he knows what is best for me and what is best for him.

He will always be my best friend. I am praying that he will be a Godly person and that he fixes his relationship with God first before anything. He feels angry and displeased with God and he doesn't understand what's going on. He needs to focus on him and not on our relationship. This is one of the reasons we need to break up.

I need to focus on God and making myself right with him for Him alone. I need to become a better and caring person in my relationships instead of just pushing them away. I need to learn how to care in a way that is felt. Lord, teach me to do that.

It's going to be okay. Just breathe. God is in the center. It's going to be okay.

Today is September 6th 2009. We have dated for four years and a half. We broke up at 2:50 am.

It's going to be okay.

Day 222

Yesterday was a good day. I had a good talk with someone unexpected. It was really Providence because the things I had to say were not really from me but from the Holy Spirit. It was as if what I had to say was also what I had to realize and listen to as well.

God really works miracles. I'm not emotionally burnt out yet and I wonder if I will spread myself too thin. But I know I'm doing all these things for God and not for myself so I will rely on his strength. If I am doing his will he will equip me with the right traits.

I realize that my feelings are leaning elsewhere. I don't exactly try to curb it but I'm not in dangerous waters. Should I be extreme and break off contact? Or wait it out?

Someone told me that sometimes situations calls for inactions. When I am still I will see God move in my life.

Day 217

Celebrated mommy's birthday today. Well, technically yesterday. She turned 50. I'm so glad she's my mother. She really is my best friend because she knows me best and most of the time knows me better than myself. She is a comforter because she always has open arms for me. She's my inspiration because she's a chaser of dreams. And more than that, she believes them. Thank you God for my mother. You knew I needed her.

On another note, my work term has ended. I will really miss it. I've learned so much and grew more into myself as God wanted me to be. He knew I needed this job more than they needed me and I'm so thankful.

I'm going to miss the friendship we've created. Technically, I'll be able to see you all on a regular basis but I know that it won't be the same. There won't be inside jokes or the intimacy of seeing each other every day. I know that I'm not very good at keeping friendships but sometimes I think that this is what it ought to be.

Allow me to explain myself. Yes, we can maintain friendships and they can grow. But sometimes friendships are so much more beautiful when we remember them as they were in that context and in that time frame. I don't put effort in pursuing friendships that pass inevitably due to circumstance. If we really are friends we'll always be friends. I still feel close to you even if I don't see you. And the next time I do, it'll be like no time has passed at all.

Sometimes I'm afraid that this thinking is faulty. That I lose people. But surely life will have us meet again when we least expect it and when we need it most.