Saturday, August 22, 2009

Day 208

A lot has happened in the span of 189 days. It has been a whirl of emotions and feelings all of which seems to juxtapose each other.

There were moments that I felt like I was drowning from the inside out. There was a lot to absorb and deal with this summer. Some great things, some sad things and some confusing things.

I made new friends whom I've come to love. I'm doing what I love and am passionate about. I'm reminded again of my Father's love for me. I feel loved.

I also realized how broken we are as a family and as a unit. Our hearts are moving in different directions. No one is wrong. But then no one is right. I feel entirely helpless and my inactions are my horrible response to her need. She needs me but I cannot give anything because I'm not a good daughter. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person because my life is not centered on God. It is so simple but yet not easy.

I'm going through a rough patch with him. Over 200 days ago I was certain of where we were headed. Now I can't bring myself to tell you that I'm scared I don't think I love you the same way anymore. I feel myself distance away from you on purpose in hopes that you would notice and perhaps make it easier for me. I'm trying, I like to say to myself that I really am trying. But I don't know what trying means. I don't try very hard because nothing I've ever really earned needed trying.

My heart is fickle and wanders. I tell myself all these excuses to soften the betrayal that I'm committing. I look to you and you are preoccupied. We don't have our moments anymore. I miss us. Are we ever going to come back? Will I be our ending?

I'm wavering because I am not strong and therefore my love is not strong enough. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.

I tell myself a lot of things but I'm afraid a lot of it is untrue. But I desperately wish they were just in case they are and because I can't seem to do anything else.

God, you know what you want for me. Would you show me?

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