Day 355

I've been breaking everything recently.

I've broken records, promises, relationships, myself and you.

You were always there when I fell and helped me up without question. You were there to provide a soft spot during hard times. You loved me despite my flaws. You loved me for my flaws.

I, on the other hand, have done nothing for you. I've only caused you pain and despite that you hide it to spare me. I must be crazy for letting us go.

I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed or who you deserve. It hurts so much to hear that all you wanted was to feel loved and I didn't instill that confidence.

Now and in the future I want to be someone you can trust and lean on. But unfortunately my promises don't mean very much anymore. I still want to be there for you and become someone who you could trust. But I'm afraid it isn't about what I want anymore but what you need. And you don't need me.

So yesterday, today, tomorrow and many tomorrows to come I can only say I'm sorry. Until the day that I can be a better person and have the confidence again to be someone who can love will I come back.

Day 340

I can’t breathe.

I’m in the hot seat again. I think I’m lying and telling everyone that I’m trying. Maybe I’m not. But why does it hurt so much if I’m not trying? Wouldn’t it be easier if I wasn’t trying?

I wish you’d give up so I can too.

Day 339

Today marks the second snow fall of this winter. I spent the first one alone but I wished I was with someone. I chose to be alone for the second.

I think I could have potentially made a good friend. Perhaps in doing so I sacrificed another relationship. I want to say that I'm not sure what this means. The little inkling that I have bodes bad news. Am I running away again? Yes. Why? Because I don't want to live in confusion and guilt. I want to leave but the decent part of me tells me to stay. The rest of me thinks it'll be easier to just go. I'm still battling and now I'll be going in for another round. Either way, we're going to carry scars after all this is over.

I feel like the antagonist of a storyline. The one nobody likes and feels annoyed at. What a horrible character. Selfish, fickle, cold, manipulative and indecisive. It was going well and I rocked the boat when it seems as if we were cruising on quiet waters.

The storm outside is getting worse and I'm afraid it's a reflection of what's going on inside of me. All I can hope for is that when this is all over, I'll be blanketed in soft, white, fresh snow, and hidden for a little while from prying eyes until I'm ready to emerge in spring.

Day 330

I have so much to say but can’t seem to say them. My thoughts are running around so fast I can’t catch a hold of them to pin it down and write it out.

I want to change. This is good.

I'm changing. This is even better.

Day 329

Whoa. That was an intense conversation. You really can't judge a book by its cover.

I just had a ten hour long conversation online and I think it taught me something about myself and hopefully he learned something too. Although I leave feeling like I hurt him when that was not my intent. We just really hit home with the things we said about each other. He pointed out my flaws and I didn't mince words for his at the end. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. But I'm sure it was a life altering experience for the both of us. The sad thing is, he might not want to talk to me anymore.

I really was trying very hard to be friends. I think he was worth it. I hope he sees that too. All I can do is pray for him.

I think I met my match for the King and Queen of Awkward. He has the power to render me speechless and make me shrink. I've never met anyone like him before. He tells it like it is and I don't hate him for it. I hope he understands that. I know he heard it but I don't know if he processed it.

I'm so drained but can't go to bed. I'm worried about him. Maybe it was wrong of me to say all that. But he taught me some things and I'm going to face them head on now.

Breathe in mercy and breathe out prayers.

Day 324

There is a lot of statements in the English language that are heavily loaded and a lot of them seem to involve only three words. Recently I've discovered another one in a form of a question.

How are you?

This question opens up an endless possibilities of answers. From the generic ones, "I'm fine", the cop out ones, "I'm busy", to the ambiguous ones, "I'm okay". Sometimes the answer will floor you.

I'm asking this question like I mean it these days and answering it honestly. I think it throws people off.

Recently he told me how he was doing. He isn't doing well. Life really seems to be crumbling around his ears and I'm the ears to hear them. He says he has no one else. I believe him. I cannot do much in my position. All I can do is listen. I'm afraid I'm not good at even that. So I pray. I know God listens.

These days, I feel as if I traded my life for a high school girl's. I kind of like it. It keeps my thoughts away from the things that matter. I know that's bad. And yet I readily welcome the distractions.

Day 317

The more people who know the more it becomes irreversible. You keep asking me questions that I don't have answers to. You keep saying that you'll give me time but you're still waiting and counting down the seconds.

I'm reluctant to give you an answer not because I don't have one, I have multiple. I just don't know which is the right one.

The fact that you're asking all the time make it seem like you have somewhere to go and therefore must leave me.

I don't have the right to ask you to stay anymore so don't ask me. That's what I want to say. But what if you're waiting for me to ask? Would it be fair? I know it won't be so I don't ask. And if I don't ask, you're going to leave. Then I'll be all by myself again.

Maybe that's what I need. But I don't think it's what I want.